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Scott, after 27 years in the
casino business, I would like to share with you some of my; “stupid ass
politically incorrect illusory bullshit,” as you like to call it.
This is what I shall respectfully title...
The Suits
(The
intelligent way to start the day; by tying a noose around your neck)
Let me be so kind as to define the
following:
DEITY STAGE
(divine, holy, god's gift)
This is what
happens when a typical 'lump' is promoted to Box so as not to further detract
from the dice pit. The 'lump' shows up for work in his first day in his best
$100 polyester suit and the loudest tie from his dad's closet. This suit has miraculously
transformed him from a liability to the casino to A CRAPS GOD! Although
yesterday he couldn't figure the vig on a buy bet, today he has suddenly
acquired more knowledge and wisdom than the entire staff combined! He will waist
no time in displaying his new found power for all the world to see! This stage
will usually last for about two years or until enough dealers key his car and
kick his ass!
RAT STAGE
During this
time the boxman has learned that he does not have the control that he thought he
did in the DEITY stage. He is now forced into silence on the game in order to
save face with all the ugly, toothless, sagging breasted women he tells to come
play. He must resort to 'RATTING' out the dealers to the
floorperson and Pit Manager which is met with the same love and affectionate ass
kicking as the DEITY stage. The RAT stage will last anywhere from five years to
life - dependant upon whether or not the boxman has to keep changing jobs
because his car and medical insurance rates keep climbing. This leads to the
third and final stage:
SLEEPER STAGE
He
generally can't remember the last number rolled on the dice let alone who's
shooting or what the 'point' is. He consistently mumbles something about
"in his day, the dealers...." This happens
when this "lump" turned "god" finally realizes that the only real job he
has, is to learn to sleep with his eyes wide open!
Rating
players and supervising crap games sound like serious business however the duties of
the floorperson is relatively simple; Kiss alot of ass (i.e. the customers,
dealers, pit managers etc..) and
LOOK FOR PUSSY!
(This is the real reason
you see floormen on the phone all the time)
The title of floorperson
or 'Floor' as we like to call it is based upon the fact that players throw the
dice off the craps table numerous times each shift. This is where our unsung hero is
drafted into action as our champion retriever of the ol mighty die, for when the
"DIE DOWN" call comes, he or she will stop everything for this privileged
imperious duty. What makes this ritual so precious is that most casinos install red
carpeting.
There is a bit of humor watching someone look for a small red cube on red carpet
'twirling in circles with his palms up in confusion' - especially with the help of
their boxperson who points north and a little to the left and the dealer who
points west, back, back, a little more to the right! (Bonus points are scored
when a player already handed the die in.) The typical floorperson will generally
dedicate their career to the life values of the 'DEITY' and 'RAT' stage
learned as a Boxperson to extreme levels.
The Pit
Managers day will usually start with a pre shift meeting where he will tell the
Shift Manager how slim he looks in his new suit and how irritated he gets when
he learns the Floor people trash talking about his clothes selection. Next the
Pit Manager will give his pre shift meeting to his dealers which will end the
same way EVERYDAY! After all the information has been disseminated he will ask
"does anyone have any questions?" and someone will have a question and
the answer will always be "I don't know, why don't you go ask the Shift
Manager?"
Throughout the
rest of the day the Pit Manager will flirt with every woman within eyesight. He
will confide in every floorperson in the pit that he "can't stand all the
other floor people" and he will write an average of four comps per day: One
to his golf buddy, one to his mechanic, one to the 'babe' who keeps telling him
she'll meet him for a drink but never does, and of course one to the 45 year old
ex-stripper who he'll actually have a drink with - and deny it. By now, of
course, the Pit Manager has become an expert at dodging bullets and covering his
ass. Any problems that may arise during the shift where a crucial decision must
be made that may lead to a customer being dissatisfied or angry, will be avoided
at all costs! If it can't be avoided, then the closest dealer is fucked!
This may be the
worst job in the building. Whoever takes this job must either be ambitious and
wants to succeed to the next level, or has a serious self-destructive nature
that should be addressed with therapy and xanex. This Person must do all the
duties of a "lead" Pit Manager as well as all of the work done by the
Shift Manager, or how shall we say...the work that the shift manager doesn't
want to do. And there is a catch.....You have nobody to complain to!
The duties of
the Casino Shift Manager is to listen to everyone complaining from the customers
that can't get a higher credit limit, the dealers whining about the Boxman, the
Floor people bitching about working in BJ , the Pit Boss complaining about the
stupid ass dealers that you hired and the Asst Shift Manager's concerns about
work overload. The other duty is to listen dispassionately to all the excuses
that accompany anything that goes wrong. The bottom line: Fix everything
the dealers, Box, Floor and Pit managers screwed up! In addition, let us not
forget about the daily ass chewing from the Casino Manager about
how much money your shift consistently loses each day!
The Casino
Manager is a very prestigious position! You get to generate as many new memos
with your name on them as you want and you can CC them to EVERYBODY! You can
also rewrite casino procedure as often as you like-two or three times a year!
But mostly you just get to hang out in your new office except when you go into
the Pits and shake hands with those three dealers every Friday night- don't
worry if you can't remember their names after six or seven weeks- you can just
make the name tags bigger so you don't look like an idiot each week. He or she
(yeah right) has to make sure that the casino is a positive and profitable work
place and that all 500 employees are working together towards a common goal!!!
But don't sweat it, if all else fails, you can blame the attitudes of those
three dealers whose names you can't remember!
My oh my,
doesn't that sound impressive? Say it with me..............
"VICE PRESIDENT OF
CASINO OPERATIONS!"
Wow, you always have to take a breath! Now let's say it
one more time, the way it should be.......
"SECRETARY"
That's
right, if you can hit the career lottery jackpot you too can have this high end
six digit salary job where your main responsibility is to kiss, cover, wipe,
powder, and cater to the ass of the C.O.O. (Chief Operating Officer)
This is "da man" boys and girls! The "top dog", the "big cheeze" the "big kahuna"; but the life expectancy of this position doesn't seem to be very long. However, when coming into a new property the C.O.O. will completely rearrange the casino floor, cut the payroll by 5% (by laying off any individual whom he may see as a threat, opps, I mean whose job title falls under the "change of personnel") He may ask his entire hourly staff to come down and sing a merry little song to him at 4 am (just to make himself welcome) Who knows he may even spend $200,000 of corporate money to produce a three hour stage extravaganza starring himself of course, make a video suitable to major motion picture releasing and make it mandatory that each and every employee not only watch it, but they must like it! A really good C.O.O. may rewrite the code of life values that mom and dad taught you and use age old tactics utilized by such great leaders as Jim Jones, Charles Manson and David Karesch to drive them home. But fear not, the reign of terror is usually short lived, for just as your C.O.O is about to settle in, his SECRETARY is knockin at the door!
The Suits
(The
intelligent way to start the day; by tying a noose around your neck)
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